my outline.

at the start of the year, I had a BMI (body mass index) that was overweight. I'm now in the lighter half of normal...

stats:
ht: 165cm (5'4 feet)
hw: 74.5kg (164 lbs)
lw: 53.5kg (117 lbs)
cw: 56kg (123 lbs)

how on earth did I ever weight almost 20 kg more? does anyone remember me looking like that? I can't.. (maybe reference the earlier mind-fuzz explaining entry)

I don't really know why I seem to be appearance-changing a lot. maybe subconsciously I was tired of being overweight. I still feel clumsy and ungraceful.. that doesn't change just because my waistline does.

if you're looking for 'answers', I don't eat white bread, and its uncommon to eat more than a small portion of red meat.. not much potato, not huge amounts of pasta or rice, and even less so after lunchtime. every morning I drink sen cha, I eat a lot of fruit and vegetables. sometimes I go walking, sometimes I run, sometimes I do 20 situps, sometimes I run up and down my stairs..

but none of this is strict, none of this is hard, none of this is often, and none of this makes me stressed, exhausted or unsatisfied... my body feels a lot happier.

I do not have an ED, not even vaguely. I don't restrict, binge or purge. I don't calorie-count, and my food behaviour isn't irrational, nor is my BMI >18.5.

i'm just really curious as to why I don't feel lighter than when I was a higher weight. I'm not upset about that, though - I feel better. I only get small signs that maybe I appear different a little... my stomach never seems to change though. which is why i'm suspicious to wether I really am lighter at all.

somehow I feel comforted by my own collarbones, the very very vague lines of chestbones under my skin, when my thighs look niceish... and hipbones. I touch my hipbones at least five times a day. I wonder if I counts as some kind of strange compulsion.

I feel a bit like.. if I can feel them, it's my only sign im not actually overwight.

it doesn't make you happier to weight less, by the way. don't wait to live.